Japanese Beetle Leisure Farm, My Ass!

That Frankie. He's a squirmer.

So, we went to the Japanese Beetle Leisure Farm with our kindergarten classes on a field trip this fall. Naturally, the name was completely deceptive. Well. Partly deceptive. It was a farm. There just weren't any beetles. There were rabbits, goats, cows, horses, more goats, doves, and some extremely diseased looking ostriches, though. So that's like, at least 50% deceptive. Maybe 75% - I didn't quite feel there was much leisure going on. More chasing children and being attacked by animals, really. Anyway.

The cows were babies, all crowded together in a metal pen with their heads stuck through the fence and over the trough. There was an impromptu barn, decorated with the skins of a thousand slaughtered piñatas. It swayed festively in the wind, and also made some pretty lame swooshy noises. Upon our arrival at the barn, our tour guide babbled at us a little in chinese. This elicited honest laughter from the students and Taiwanese teachers. Allie, Megan and myself let out a few nervous, delayed giggles. I'm getting pretty good at those.

Then we got down to the business of feeding cows. We were equipped with bottles and directions in chinese that the children didn't pay attention to and that nobody bothered to translate for us. I'm pretty positive they were along the lines of "Hold on tight!" but they could have been something vital like "these are zombie cows. Watch their eyes, that's how you know they're going to go for you!" Fortunately, I am naturally suspicious of bovines, so none of them managed to infest me with their dirty undead diseases. Unfortunately, the kindergartners were not so good at holding onto the bottles when they became slippery with cow spit, and thus we learned the true use of the trough: to contain all the stolen and then dropped bottles.

Frankie feeding the cows!

I became the unofficial bottle collector. If you know me, you know my feelings on being anywhere in the same 4 mile radius as a cow, and I'm sure you can guess my reaction to this appointment. I managed to keep the vomit contained, however.

Luke feeding a rabbit. This is how we get bit by them, kids.

During the course of the day, there were multiple casualties: Claire got bit by a bunny, I got bit by a horse, and everyone got some serious evil eye from the ostriches. Serious evil-eye - I was a little worried I was going to spontaneously combust, and also concerned I was facing Satan in the form of a lanky-limbed, super-sized chicken.

Ponies! Also, note the awesome flayed-pinata decorations above...

I also got licked by a cow. Survey says: NOT COOL, BUT THE REST OF IT WAS RELATIVELY ACCEPTABLE. (Yes, surveys are now presented in all capitals for dramatic effect)

OH NOES, DOVES!

And Finally, Halloween.

So, for Halloween I was a beetle. I took a week and a half to sew my own costume, and it was awesome even if everyone sort of thought I was a bat.

For our school celebration we got to spend most of the day operating these little stations that the kids came around to. I manned the face painting station, and had my arm covered with examples of what I could do. Unfortunately, during this whole Halloween Debacle, we had one CD playing on loop. Some of the songs were classic and entertaining, like Ghost busters and the Harry Potter Theme Song. Others were... interesting. Amusing the first time, even, but after four hours of loop and finding myself singing to them... well. I think I came out of the whole ordeal with my soul largely intact, but there is a significant portion of it that was eaten away by song lyrics like: "I'm a mean old witch with my hat!" and "which witch, is which?"
It made me wonder what sort of sadists go into the business of making children's Halloween music. Don't they know that parents and teachers will be subjected to their songs on repeat? Are they trying to turn people into serial murders?

Fuckers.

Anyway, here are some delightful photos of the day:

Marvis, Ally and Megan in their Taiwanese School Girl outfits, complete with stolen backpacks.

She broke the hand.

Eddie with a beetle on his face... and a pout.

Samantha was an Indian Princess. Megan told her she was Native American. Samantha disagreed.

Hippo class outfits!

Jeter as a depressed Cupid

The tattoos I could offer

Raffie as Nemo, Gaby as a princess

Spiderman!

BEETLE!

The Grand Photo Catch-Up

Don't tell anyone I said this, but she's cute when she's not screaming.

Wu Bai concert!

Kristen, Ally and Marvis hiking it old school. Is old school associated with peace? Maybe new school, then.

Some sort of anguid lizard

Kenting at sunset

711 food! Tea Eggs and what I refer to as Taiwanese Corn Dogs. I haven't eaten either - they both smell pretty funny.

The streets filled with people after the 10/10 fireworks

What happened to our fire alarm. Basically, it went off due to a short, so I wrapped a towel around it and taped it so it was muted until the guard could turn it off. Then Ally attempted to take the towel off. A month later, it still is hanging from cords...

Ally and Me, me in my mute-the-fire-alarm gear (trying to protect my ears)

Fireworks on 10/10 over Chiayi that look sort of apocalyptic

Adventures in Kenting (AKA, getting around Taiwan without Marvis)

Sometime in Early October

Ahh, Kenting. The sweet smell of Tea-Eggs and Salt Brine on the wind, the chatter of a thousand Taiwanese and Foreign tourists debating the merits of various crappily-made shirts... truly, this is paradise.

So. We talked about going to Kenting for... a while. And then eventually we ran out of excuses, because Typhoon season was over. So we took a train down to Kaohsiung, where the last train stop was. We stepped out of the train and within five minutes were approached by a taxi driver who know about five words of English: "Kenting? You, four hundred each. Fast!" Yeah, that's five, because Kenting isn't really English now is it?

We said we'd think about it, as we'd had every intention of taking a bus, and wandered out into the street. Another woman approached us, her wide brimmed hat bobbing wildly in her enthusiastic yet limited sales pitch. "Kenting? We take, 342 each!" We waved her away, watching the brim of her hat flop down in her sorrow and walked, I kid you not, another ten steps before: "Excuse me! Excuse me, you go to Kenting? We take, only one and half hour, three hundred each. Bus take 2 hours, four hundred. You want?"

Now in theory, we could have walked another ten steps and met a magical pegasus who spoke perfect english, offered a 3-minute trip and also gave us complimentary milk tea all for the price of a good pirate joke, but we decided to settle on a human instead and were rapidly shuffled into a van. If I had been by myself, I would have been a little wary of the route - through parking garages and under an overpass into the far back cornor, but I was with Ally and Kristen, and I was not afraid. I should have been; they're preparing for marathons so it's unlikely I could have outrun them in an emergency, but I wasn't.

It didn't matter as they weren't going to steal our collective 4,000 NT and leave us in the ditch. Instead we spent a pleasant trip and arrived in the early afternoon. As it turned out, their stop was very close to our hostel, and our guide helped us find it and also told us that they could take us back the next day... and that we could leave our stuff with them after the hostel closed.

Fabulous!

We stayed at a catholic hostel that was very clean but had no more rooms, and so we stayed in dormitory housing which was not nearly as awkward as I was thinking it would be. Of course, I also claimed windowside of the six connected beds, but that put me directly over the snorer so I'm not thinking I came out with anything really resembling bed-claiming triumph.

We wandered around the town a little bit, got some delicious mexican food, and then meandered down to the beach. We spent some time writing, drawing, and talking, and just chilled until after dark, when we wandered the street markets. I bought a bunch of useless, random knicknacks, all of which I have now successfully pawned off on others as "presents." Haha, suckers!

Allison sitting pretty

I found it interesting that not only did each of the tourist shops have exactly the same thing, they also had the same things (in some case, IDENTICALLY) that I saw in tourist shops in Greece when I was 13. I saw a necklace in one of the stores that I actually bought in Greece. It's been 10 years, and I still think those little shell dolphins are a tiny piece of awesome.

We ended up spending the night drinking wine and cranberry juice on the beach, talking and giggling and listening to other people play music. On the way out, my nature-fu failed me but Allison took over, and spotted this awesome, fist-sized hermit crab:

I like to pretend it's clinging for dear life, struggling to keep from falling into the abyss

The next day we lounged about on the beach a lot, and then eventually caught a taxi home. Unfortunately, we caught an overcrowded taxi, which left me with one ass-cheek half off the seat, and we got stuck in traffic. 2 and a half hours after we left Kenting, I couldn't feel most of my right side from the hips down.

Then we caught a train, and a quick detour into the public restroom showed me exactly how sunburnt I was. I put sunscreen on three times, faithful reader, and I still looked like I'd been in a wrestling match with a can of red paint.

The train was also overcrowded, and between the three of us we managed to rope only one seat. It was also very slow. And so, between sunburnt, general lower-body numbness, and sheer exhaustion, I slowly became hysterical. I leave you this conversation with Allison as evidence:

The door magically opens of its own accord.
Me: "This one time, my sister's friend played a trick on her. He had a garage door opener in his pocket and pressed it whenever she walked too close, and convinced her it was her cell phone that was interfering with the signal. Good times."
Allison: "Maybe your cell phone is opening this door.
Me: "I left it at home."
Allison: "I remember our baby moniter used to pick up our neighbor's baby noises. Maybe it's a baby monitor."
Me: "...I had forgotten I left that in my purse."
Allison: "Yes, you often carry baby monitors around."
Me: "Well, I use them to fight crime."
Allison: "You do?"
Me: "Yes. That's my superhero name, the Baby Monitor. I rescue babies, and use the screams of many babies through the monitor to defeat criminals. Sometimes I bring the sender and the receiver together and use the feedback to bring criminals to their knees."
Allison: "I can be your sidekick, the Pacifier!"
Me: "Pretty positive that's a superhero name already."
Allison: "Really?"
Me: "Yeah. It's the evil guy in Sky High. They turn people into babies."
Allison: "Oh."
Me: "You can be Binkie, instead."
Allison: "Ok. I have to go to the bathroom."
There is a moment in which I examine the door, and discover a sensor responsible for the magical openings.
Allison: (returns) "Ok."
Me: "Allison, I have discovered that I have the Force." (discreetly swings hand in front of sensor.) "You see."
Allison: "Wow. You do indeed have the force. Do you use it to rescue babies?"
Me: "And sometimes open doors."
An old man triggers the sensor.
Me: "Umm. He also has the force?"