Here are some things that look like different things!
Rhinoceros Beetle!
Brontosaurus!And all followed by a worm!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
TEN THINGS TO DO WHILE CONSTRUCTION MONITORING
(To Prevent Committing Homicide As An Act Of Self-Amusement)
1) Build Rock Piles!
It can be a stimulating challenge to pile one rock atop another, in the hopes of making the ultimate natural skyscraper, the hoodoo. To add difficulty, find rocks with rounded surfaces. Never forget the ultimate creative side of this activity - do not be afraid to spend many minutes searching for precisely the correct color or shape of stone as this, too, will help pass the time.
2) Suspend Rocks In Bushes!
This activity is most aesthetically pleasing when time is spent to find a variety of vibrant gravel pieces. Take care to gently place the stones in the crooks and forks of branches in your chosen bush, as one false move could potentially dislodge all previous efforts. A Salt Bush or Sagebrush is most highly recommended, due to their stability and highly branching limbs.
Here you can see the typical mistake of not choosing brilliant enough colors, and how it disguises the true beauty of your work.
3) Decorate Bushes with Flagging Tape!
The desert is littered with pieces of recyclable treasure in a whole rainbow of colors. Tear flagging into small pieces and impale them on the spiny protrusions of Yuccas, Joshua Trees, Cacti or Salt Bushes. Be sure to evenly distribute colors! Singing Christmas carols is an optional addition.
Oh Salt Bush, Oh Salt Bush, How Lovely Are Thy Spiky Protrusions!
4) Play Bejeweled On Your Phone!
Do not play the timed game, as the slow passage of seconds and minutes will be almost unbearably depressing.
5) Pace!
6) Balance Rocks On Other Objects!
A variation on the classic "Hoodoo" experience. Be aware that when your back is turned (likely to find more building materials) the construction workers may take it as a challenge to throw stones in order to knock down your artwork. Consider this an invitation to improve your work by seeking stones with the appropriate concave dent, suitable for lodging precisely on poles. As you increase your efforts, so too will they, until somebody wins.
Little does he know - he will NEVER get that rock off that pole.
7) Play Hacky Sack By Yourself, With Pebbles!
Be aware that each pebble is unique and will require different angles and force.
8) Kick Sticks!
To reduce foot pain, try to only kick the sticks that are not still attached to trees.
Tip: Don't Kick These.
9) Kick Rocks!
Know your size limits!
10) Get Overly Excited About Centipedes!
Finger-sized.
They may not be lizards, but you're bored - lower your standards!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
First Impressions
Due to Kristy's aggressive tailgating philosophy ("If I drive close enough that he can feel my breath on his neck, he'll realize I want him to go faster, right?") we made it to Vegas in no time. Here are some of my first impressions of Vegas:
The curtains were really nice before I spilled beer on them.
Video poker = epically boring fail.
Kristy was very displeased with my assessment of this.
Sin City's version of Disneyland?
The pool at the Bellagio... the duck was pecking the home depot sign earlier. :(
The curtains were really nice before I spilled beer on them.
Video poker = epically boring fail.Kristy was very displeased with my assessment of this.
Sin City's version of Disneyland?
The pool at the Bellagio... the duck was pecking the home depot sign earlier. :(Saturday, March 5, 2011
Fascinating Facts About California, From The Perspective of A Safer, Smarter, Less-Sleepy Oregonian
1) California Likes Electronic Road Signs
Simple "Slow Down" signs are not good enough for California, they must use electicity at all costs to provide you with the terribly specific reasons you should slow down: there is a curve ahead, there are animals in the area, there's the potential for snow on the road, there may be an old person crossing the road at any given time, tortoise crossings, or imminent alien attack. Thank god they were smart enough to put in the ever-adaptable electronic sign format, or how would I know what to expect ahead? Californians clearly don't want to be slow for the sake of being slow, they need a thorough explanation of WHY.
2) California is Afraid of Water
We saw a "Heavy Rains" sign... and heat-related mirages. Come to think of it, perhaps Californians can't tell the difference between water mirages and actual water on the road?
3) Californians are Deep Sleepers
The yellow lines on the sides of the roads are lined in two layers of noise-producing bumps. While most states have grooved asphault outside of the lines to wake drivers up before they drive completely off the road, California also has yellow reflectors to tell their drivers: "YOU ARE ALMOST ABOUT TO CROSS A LINE THAT COULD LEAD TO YOU ALMOST DRIVING OFF THE ROAD." Much like setting two alarms in the morning, California is concerned that the aggressive tire-grating sound of the outside grooves will not be enough to wake up their sleepy head drivers.
In conclusion, Californian drivers must know what is waiting for them around each and every cornor, are terrified of water in any state, and from driving with all this terror often drive off the road in fits of exhaustion. No wonder they can't come up with new names....
Simple "Slow Down" signs are not good enough for California, they must use electicity at all costs to provide you with the terribly specific reasons you should slow down: there is a curve ahead, there are animals in the area, there's the potential for snow on the road, there may be an old person crossing the road at any given time, tortoise crossings, or imminent alien attack. Thank god they were smart enough to put in the ever-adaptable electronic sign format, or how would I know what to expect ahead? Californians clearly don't want to be slow for the sake of being slow, they need a thorough explanation of WHY.
2) California is Afraid of Water
We saw a "Heavy Rains" sign... and heat-related mirages. Come to think of it, perhaps Californians can't tell the difference between water mirages and actual water on the road?
3) Californians are Deep Sleepers
The yellow lines on the sides of the roads are lined in two layers of noise-producing bumps. While most states have grooved asphault outside of the lines to wake drivers up before they drive completely off the road, California also has yellow reflectors to tell their drivers: "YOU ARE ALMOST ABOUT TO CROSS A LINE THAT COULD LEAD TO YOU ALMOST DRIVING OFF THE ROAD." Much like setting two alarms in the morning, California is concerned that the aggressive tire-grating sound of the outside grooves will not be enough to wake up their sleepy head drivers.
In conclusion, Californian drivers must know what is waiting for them around each and every cornor, are terrified of water in any state, and from driving with all this terror often drive off the road in fits of exhaustion. No wonder they can't come up with new names....
Shasta Post
California has the most unoriginal naming scheme ever.
That was my first thought as I left the Oregon border on my epic journey to my new home in Vegas. It seemed as if California had siezed upon a name, decided it was good, and applied to every landmark in the nearby vicinity. Over the course of an hour of driving we saw a Shasta lake, mountain, mountain city, boulevard, college and county. Whoever Shasta was, apparently they're the only cool thing that has every happened to Northern California, and nobody worth naming anything after has occurred since.
There is, of course, the exclusion of this one street, which has a name so original that I must believe they are simply trying to win a competition in the Guiness Book of World Records. Most difficult pronunciation, perhaps? Or maybe someone on the planning council was playing a very high-risk game of scrabble and needed to come up with a real location to support their high-scoring entry?
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