In Which Teacher Meaghan Experiences KTV

Purple Sky Post-Tornado: Awesomest Birthday Ever

So, for my birthday, we had a tornado (for real, not a frickin’ dust devil but the real deal) form outside of our school. It was about 5:00 in the afternoon, and it was a big swirling cloud of awesome that started to form the funnel before it copped out. It looked like someone was rapidly stirring the clouds with a stick – straw in a foamy milkshake sort of deal. Then, the sky turned extremely purple (See Above).

And then I got really drunk.

On Saturday, I went to Taipei. Our bus was… well, even Marvis thought the driver might be on the dangerous side of the intoxication line, and he certainly drove like he’d been on a recent and intense bender. There was lots of wobbling, sudden braking, and general oddness, but I hadn’t been on a bus in Taiwan before so I thought it was a normal thing until Marvis commented.

Umm... where the Hell are we?

Once in Taipei, we caught up with Allison and Scott, and went to the Happy Family 2 Hostel to drop off our stuff. Then we headed in the general direction of Wulai, guided by Allison. Allison, who got us to get off the bus one stop too early. Allison, who encouraged us to walk forward for about 20 minutes until we saw a sign which read 5.5 km to Wulai. Allison, who then let us catch a taxi . Wulai was awesome, all warm and filled with wrinkly but nice Taiwanese folks who helpfully directed us through the whole hot spring experience. More complicated than one might  think, this involved free drinks, piss-smelling dressing rooms, and milk-carton aided showers.

Wulai Hot Springs

Waterlogged, rested and covered in minerals, we made our way back to Taipei, where we followed Marvis for 15 minutes in the wrong direction, turned around and walked 20 minutes in the right direction to the Dinosaur Restaurant. They served crocodile, ostrich, frog… but since we were all sharing food, they vetoed all of these food choices when I suggested them. This has firmly established the fact that they are not as cool as I am, not that this needed any clarification. Some guy at the restaurant hurled everywhere at about 11:00, being as he was rather inebriated, and then we decided to clear out. We went to a bar that Marvis had always wanted to go to but never actually been in while she’d gone to school here, and then decided to take another taxi to a KTV place. By this point, Marvis was wasted in the backseat, and decided to let me handle directions. This did not work so well, but we had, in a fit of genius, had her write “Taipei Train Station” in Chinese on our body parts. Mine was the only clear one, so I got to take front seat and guide the man towards our Hostel by the power of my bicep. From there, we sort of shouted KTV until Marvis muttered something drunkenly, and then he took us to a very fancy KTV place.

 

Marvis at the Dinosaur Restaurant

So, KTV for those who are not in the know, is like Kareoke but with small separate rooms. They made us order food and rent the room, and then we sang Purple Rain, Kiss the Girl, and These Boots Are Made For Walking for an hour. I also performed Love’s Cha Cha, much to Marvis’s amusement, and only forgot 50% of the words – I count this as a win. The English songs had these weird, homemade 80’s music videos playing at the same time… very strange.  

We then stayed for an extra half an hour or so, singing into the microphone without any music. They kept trying to encourage us to either pay for another hour or, well, vacate the room, but since they didn’t directly kick us out so much as stare disapprovingly, we ignored them. Tenacious D, Disney and the Beatles all made appearances, and by the time we stumbled back to the hotel, it was 5 in the morning.

I didn’t have a voice for most of the week because of this, but it was pretty much worth it.

Happy Family Hostel Indeed

Conversations I have had:

Homework Answer: “I don’t know. Ask my mom.”

Me: “Why should I ask her? It’s your homework.” 

Student: “She is very smart.” 

Me: “Then why didn’t you ask her?” 

Student: “She is sly pig.” 

Me: “… I beg your pardon?” 

Student: “Sleeping?”   

Me: “In America, they cut down many trees. It is bad for the environment.” 

Student: “Teacher Meaghan, in America they cut down how many trees? 1000?” 

Me: “More. 1 million, maybe.” 

(Collective horrified gasp) 

Student: “Teacher Meaghan, in America, they use how many tissues?!”   

Me: “Look, I can do magic!” 

Student (whispers): “Do you know Teacher Allison can take she’s thumb out?” 

Me: “Huh? Oh, she can take her thumb off? Oh, yeah, all Canadians can do that.”   

Marvis: “I got a ticket today! Is so fucking stupid!” 

Me: “Oh no, Marvis!” 

Marvis: “Fucking stupid. Meaghan, you need to teach me more cuss words.”

Meaghan Does Love's Cha Cha

Winnie, my boss; Marvis, whom today's blog will discuss

----One Week Ago----

"I want to go and do Kareoke while I'm here!" says Meaghan, aware of how everyone in Asia is in love with hearing themselves sing into a microphone (admittedly, this is pretty awesome).

"Kareoke?" says Marvis, looking puzzled. "You know Taiwanese?"

"Umm... what?" says Meaghan, a bit dismayed.

"Only old people go to Kareoke in Taiwan. Only old Taiwanese songs, too," Marvis explains helpfully. "KTV, with the little rooms, that is where young people go. You want to do that?"

"No," Meaghan says, disapointment written across her features, "I want to go hear people I don't know sing. I hear you guys sing all the time."

"Ahh," Marvis replies. "Well, I guess I could teach you a Taiwanese song if you wanted."

----Present Day----

Dear Diary,

On Sunday Marvis taught me how to sing a Taiwanese song. She also  taught me lots of useful sayings in Taiwanese, like "CHUG IT!" and "SHUT UP!" She was very nice, even lied and said that my pronunciation was awesome and that everyone would be able to tell what I was saying. She was even pretty good at hiding the snickers while she said this. To truly give you a good idea of what I am going to eventually do, I give you now this youtube video:

I know. Pretty sweet, right? But it gets better. We then found an English version so you can enjoy the words as well as the fantastic overall experience:

And yeah. That really, really long musical interlude will be included in my version.

I'm so going to get a recording deal here...

A TAIWANESE DICTIONARY:

dia mee = Shut Up

do shia lee = Thank you

keen lay = hurry up

keen lay la = seriously, hurry the fuck up right now.

tooki = go away

wa bay I dee boay bee lu = I want a beer

sheem I A = my love!

lim lo key = chug it!

jio ho = wish

chew = hand

wa gong die gee = I speak Taiwanese

ho tsia = yummy!

mm shi = no

mm shi li= not you

Of True Love, Rescue Missions and Escalating Cockroach Concerns

The glory that is this random park in Tainan. 

Endangered (and creepy - look at the rhino's eye) animal statues!

Dear Diary, 

I have a whole Ecosystem living in my house! Our cockroach problem has turned into something of semi-serious concern, because I need my brain cells if I want to become a paleontologist and huffing Raid is not the way to greater intelligence! Allison and I thought we’d eliminated the roach threat when we found an open bag of sugar in one of the cupboards in the kitchen, but when the guts were cleaned off the mop we used to squish them and the fog of Raid had cleared, it became obvious that we had only begun our war against the enemy. Yes, we had destroyed a critical base of operations, but continued sightings of enemy combatants and scouts in the living room and bathroom made it obvious that the entire organization was far greater than we had ever imagined. Dilbert the gecko and his comrads have agreed to work for our side but even they do not seem to be making a difference, and we may soon be forced to take drastic steps. Please note at this point we’re not really sure what those steps might entail, but I fear they might involve full out man (or roach) hunts, equipped with mops, shoes, and toxic aerosols. It is an unfortunate fact of life that our enemies are stealthy and equipped with the capacity for flight – and they are not afraid to use that ability to FLY RIGHT INTO YOUR FACE, but Allison and I must be brave in this time of trial. And stop using so much Raid – Dilbert is starting to look a little thin.

Meagan, Allison and I went to 711 and bought a four pack of beer each, which meant we got to buy a Heineken lawn chair for 100NT. For those not in the know, that’s about 3.50$. Then we went up to the roof and enjoyed our Heineken in our Heineken chairs, and forced Todd to kill at least 7 gigantic cockroaches. There are two species here – the small ones with long antennae that live in our apartments, and the huge ones that live outside it. The latter were all over the roof – very strange. There was just enough light to spot them skittering, and for Todd to smash them, but it was just low enough to exaggerate (hopefully – GOD they were huge) their size. 

Meagan looks surprised. She's probably spotted another cockroach.

The new favorite game for the Kindy kids is Teacher Meaghan Goes to Jail! They all grab me and drag me into the playplace where they make me sit down on the picnic table. They then proceed to put me in hand, leg, shoulder, head and mouth cuffs, the latter of which they periodically unzip to hear my piteous calls for assistance. Then they either start to tell me “Teacher Meaghan, seat is on fire!” in which case I have to squirm and try to move through my various imaginary cuffs, or one of them will sneak in and let me go free so they can catch me again. I told them that the reason I was in jail was I ate children, so when my mouth cuffs are off I attempt to bite them.

I can order food now! I’ve ordered Sho Long Bao, and tons of stuff at the Thai place near my house. All by myself, though the Thai place speaks English and has an English menu… whatever. I also recognized a two digit number the other day, and picked up a joke! Maddy had wet her pants, and Teacher Carol knelt down and asked her in Chinese “something something She-She?” (you have to go pee-pee?) and Maddy replied “Mei Yuo.” (all finished). I mean, technically it wasn’t a joke… but Carol and I both thought it was funny… 

Marvis and I

I’m on TV! Both a small commercial, and an extremely long infomercial (which has at least 5 minutes of Teacher Meaghan!). Of course, it is footage of me playing dumb games and awkwardly teaching the kids a song about Jesus (Happy Day Express, which is neither awesome enough to make up for its Christian overtones, nor subtle enough for them to really qualify as tones). 

I rescued a bat! It was on the sidewalk near my apartment, and I came and stared at it a bit, then a woman in my building came up and started talking to me in Chinese. I was like “Bat!” and “It fell!” and then she picked it up with sticks (which it bit, ungrateful beast) and put it in the bushes. So really, she rescued the bat – I supervised. 

We had some interesting Escapades on Saturday. Meagan, Todd, Allison and I went to Tainan (an hour by train) to see the baseball game. We played in the park a bit and drank a lot of beer, only to find out that it was actually an away game. Oops. Since we were already so far south, we decided to go to Kaohsiung and go to Costco. We travelled another 30 minutes by train, and when we showed up finally at Costco, it had closed 5 minutes earlier. So then we went to the dream mall, which has an amusement park on the roof, complete with Hello Kitty Ferris Wheel. We then went on one of the rides, this strange elevated bicycle thing, and rammed the people in front of us… but didn’t get in trouble because the people running the ride didn’t really know what to say to us. Being foreign is fun! 

Sky park!

This past week was Allison’s birthday. I made her a poster with a gigantic cockroach on it, and the words “KEEP OUT, NO COCKROACHES ALLOWED.” Hopefully they’ll get the message. Meagan gave her cockroach traps, and beer. Marvis gave her a cake, and got Allison’s make believe boyfriend, Steven of the Belgium bar (who none of us have really ever talked to), to come to our apartment and deliver the cake. He brought his posse, two friends who were silent the whole night but work with him at the bar, and then ate cake and set off fireworks with us. On the roof. Of our own apartment building. Maybe not soooooo smart… but we’re foreigners! To reward Steven for his presence (which was absolutely hysterical) we all went to his bar the next night and drank a bunch, hooray! 

Posse, Steven,  Allison, Posse

Things That May Be of Interest:

• Turns out, if you don’t pay your bill (because someone recycled it) your internet gets cut off without warning! Huh.
  
• Taiwanese kids are obsessed with beetles.. and I am starting to be, too. If I get a tattoo when I leave here (which I’ve been contemplating, sorry mom) I’m thinking it will be of a rhinoceros beetle.
  
• Painting with 3 year olds is MESSY. I'm thinkin' that was maybe the worst idea I've ever, ever had.
  
• We’re going to invest in some fire crackers, the ones you throw down and pop, and use them to startle the children into obedience… and kill cockroachs.
  
• If you haven't yet figured this out, clicking on the pictures makes them bigger. 

 

Conversations I Have Had:

Child: “Why are we waiting? Cannot start test?”

Me: “Because Jolene is always late and we should wait for her.”

Child (knowingly): “Yes. Like snail.”

 

Homework answer for using the word pole (like tightrope walker’s pole) in a sentence:

“My pole is so adamant!”

Child (reading his schedule aloud): “On Sunday, I boil people in oil.”

(looks nervous)

Child: “Not true, not true!”

 

Other Child (reading his schedule aloud): “On Tuesday, I do meth!”

Me: “No, no you don’t. Don’t say Meth. Meth is… Meth is bad. Say math. You do math.”

 

Student: "Whore is Jolene!"

Me: "Where. You mean Where. Whore is a woman who... how old are you?"

Student: "I is 10."

Me: "Nevermind. Just don't say whore, ok?

 

Child: “Teacher, you look! I draw! Is poop!”

Me: “Oh, your poop is so beautiful! …wow. I really just said that.”

Teacher Meaghan Smells Like Spit (The Whys and Wherefores of this Calamity)

Hippo class!

A Typical Day:

1. -          Wake up way too early. Shower, find something to eat. Walk to school, try to smile rather than scowl at people I pass en route.
   
2. -          I lead morning exercises, which alternates between singing songs (Both Shoo Fly and songs about Jesus are featured) and playing games depending on the day. Playing games with 3 year olds… is hard.
   
3. -          I have a half an hour break in which I recover from screaming Red Light Green Light.
   
4. -          Then I do kindergarten classes, which generally involves hearing “TEACHER MEAGHAN” and “TEACHER, YOU LOOK!” quite a lot. It also involves a surprising amount of drool, actually – between kids pretending to be monsters and gumming away at my arms, and just the general act of being near kids, I come out damp, irritated and smelling like Kindy spit.
   
5. -          I go home for lunch for two hours, which normally consists of me eating tons of pineapple fried rice and getting it everywhere. This is usually when I call people. When I know I’ll be using the webcam to speak to people, I tend to get something more interesting to eat.
   
6. -          Go back to school for Koala and Kangaroo class! I teach very small classes – my biggest is 6 students, though this is not the norm for the school. In said small classes, it is easy to get most of the work done, so I spend a lot of time playing education-oriented games like… hangman. Naturally, this is always when my boss walks by.
   
7. -          Koala class is the exception, because it is sort of the “haha, you have to teach them” class. Why so much hatred? They are in a level 4 class, but speak level 2ish English. Some of them don’t actually know their letters. There are four of them, but it’s like herding cats because they don’t 100% know what you are saying, and their parents are too cheap to buy their ADD meds. The classroom stink like feet and unwashed child, and of all the Taiwanese legs I have seen, these are the most mosquito bitten. This all being said, I still like Koala class, unless I’m crabby or they’re being psychotic. Frustrating, yes, but they still sort of like me so mostly do what I say.
   
8. -          At 5:00, I go downstairs and the ESL kids go home. At 5:05 (exactly – we were always late before, so our boss helpfully supplied an alarm clock) we walk back upstairs and do some more of the older level classes. I teach L5, L6 and L11. L6 is funny – they write sentences about vampires and get really into story telling, even if they do get so freakin’ excited that they climb all over the desks. L5 is quiet and obedient… which is sort of boring. L11 is capable of sitting in their seats, but also are pretty funny. One of the kids names is Nemo. His brother in another class is Battery…
   
9. -          At 6:05, I either go home (via the Thai restaurant… I need to branch out) or I go downstairs and do lesson plans for the next day.  This entails writing worksheets (usually featuring sentences about the kids, or how beautiful teacher Meaghan is) or making up ghost stories (Kangaroo class is sort of obsessed).
   
10. -          I play around on the computer until 9:00, when the roof is suitably vacant, then I run up and down 12 flights of stairs (once if there are people out, more if there are not) and then fuck around on the roof for a half an hour or so.
    
11. -          Then I go to bed. I spent about 10 minutes batting at my legs before I convince myself my skin is crawling and no, that is not a cockroach, and then I finally fall asleep… and wake up to do it all again.
    

I thought about giving this some sappy title, like "but it's all worth it!"

I'm going with "this is the biggest of the drooligans" instead.