Man, I sure do love listening to Melody & Josh argue
about who’s on time and who’s right. For example, having the entire trip to the
airport to head to Chiang Mai province filled with the sounds of squabbling
(interjected with a heavy dose of “I know, shmurr pants but I think,” and “you
know I love you, but”) is only surpassed by the fact that they often burst into
song at the first sign of potential victory.
Both of them are surprisingly tuneless for people who do so
well with stringed instruments.
MELODY: “I’m right, I’m right, I’m always right, doo doo
doo!”
JOSH: “I’m awesome, so awesome, I’m awesome, yeah!”
ME: “….”
---
From the air, Bangkok is a vast,
interconnected gridlock of farmland and houses. Cannals run parallel to main
roads, following paths that make shallow, irregular turns together into the
distance. The land sections are regular and rectangular with few exceptions.
Farm rectangles are intermixed with wetlands and tightly knitted housing
complexes. The roaring streets and sky-high towers are nowhere to be seen; we
are too far from the bass-pumping heartlands of Khao San for such extravagance.
---
We have our first meal at an
authentic “looks-like-food-poisoning” restaurant, which is basically the staple
of restaurants in Asia. If there’s not a 70% likelihood of seeing a rat, or a
cockroach as large as a rat, you’re probably in a tourist trap. It is as
delicious as always, and we spend some time playing with the bizarre plastic
cage that turns out to have been designed to keep flies out of their sauces. It
reminds me of that game my mother never bought for me, Mousetrap.
 |
| Fuck off flies, this is my playdoh! |
There aren’t enough seats on the
minibus for us to ride together, so Melo & I go first with Josh coming an
hour later. I spend the first half of the ride in the back all fucked up and
loopy on Dramamine, with a small boy falling asleep on me, which is kind of
cute. Then I spend the second half of the drive with an old man doing the same
which is a lot less cute, especially with all the coughing and the catheter.
When he wasn’t sneezing, he was noring… on my shoulder. Also, please see the
previous sentence for the use of the word CATHETER. Ugh. I keep trying to shove
him subtly to the other side before finally giving his assistant a very
desperate look. Language barrier my ass – she promptly loops a finger in his
pocket and keeps him upright the rest of the journey. Not quick enough to avoid
mental trauma, but at least it happened before his catheter touched me, right?
---
A note to the unwary: a mini-bus
is basically a van that they shove a ton of people in. It’s slightly more
expensive but has air-conditioning, and lets the driver go supremely fast
around terrifyingly curvy roads. It is fast, efficient, and if you have a case
of constipation it is a sure-fire way of making you shit your pants in fear!
PACK DRAMAMINE.
Ahem.
We arrive at Suppong, a small town in Chiang Mai province,
and Josh is not there. Here is a deconstructed timeline of what happened, as
best we can put together.
1:30 Meaghan and
Melo depart Chiang Mai
2:30 Josh
departs Chiang Mai
6:10 Meaghan and
Melo arrive in Suppong, reeking of sweat, and try to find the “motortaxi” but
fail as they appear to be out for dinner.
6:25 Josh
arrives in Suppong, somehow sneaks by Meaghan and Melody, gets hassled by
someone who wants to make Josh his pretty Caucasian princess
6:30 Meaghan and
Melo go to a restaurant, are told it’s closed, then are told it’s not, and
confusedly order some tea and coffee.
6:45 Josh
arrives at Cavelodge with his dubious virtues intact, and wonders where the
fuck Meaghan and Melody are
7:00 Meaghan and
Melody drink some iced coffee and tea, and wonder where the fuck Josh is.
7:30 Meaghan decides
to see if her phone works. She calls Josh. He is at the Cavelodge. Anger at
self ensues.
8:00 Meaghan and
Melody bargain down a random lady for a ride from 400 to 300 baht, by accident
and out of genuine irritation.
8:05 Meaghan, in
the bed of this random lady’s truck, realizes she has successfully bargained
for the first time ever. Gives herself a mental high five, then remembers she
didn’t think her cell phone worked in Asia and that they could have been at the
Cavelodge an hour ago if she had. Anger at self continues to rage on.
8:30 Meaghan and
Melody arrive at the Cavelodge. It is pretty great.
10:00 Melody and
Josh set up the telescope while Meaghan opens a bottle of liquor with the
dubious title of “S-Brandy.” It smells great. It tastes like shoe polish.
11:30 Post
S-Brandy, everyone has deep and slurry discussions about God and stuff.
 |
| Notice the distinct lack of motorbike taxis. |
 |
| This is where I bought the "s-brandy." I think S stands for strawberry, or maybe sucker. I don't know what the brandy stands for. |
---
Despite its flaws the trip here was gorgeous. The
countryside was meandering tropical forests that ranged heavily in elevation
and rainfall. At times it was all pine, at others lush greenery, but almost
always deep and faintly feral. We passed many gorgeous viewpoints, but taking a
scooter – while freeing – would have been terrifying with people like our
mini-bus driver on the road. He weaved in and out of traffic like a man who has
made peace with his lot in life and is now ACTIVELY TAUNTING GOD.
Bless you Dramamine.
Bless you.
 |
| Come buy some motorbikes, and listen to our captive birds!!! Strange advertising scheme. |
